Updated: Mar 16
by Bryanna Gary and Rachel Keller
1. Tear his sizeable legs off and beat him to death with them. They’re very long and can make effective weapons, such as clubs or swords. Once you’re done, dispose of the legs in the ocean over which the sun looms magnificently. Could it get any more relaxing than this?
2. Stab him in the back. He is very tall, so he doesn’t realize you’re there. He must not, otherwise his stupid face wouldn’t be standing in front of you like an inconsiderate jackass. Use that to your advantage, and stab him in his lengthy back with the heels you are undoubtedly wearing because you’re a small person. The day is ending, and so is his life.
3. Poison him. He doesn’t have the self awareness to notice you standing right behind him, so he probably won’t notice you poisoning his stupid asshole face. Unfortunately, you cannot reach his mouth by normal means, so use a slingshot. Did someone say David and Goliath? Ponder this as his insides melt; just like the sun melts into the horizon.
4. Trip him and while he is falling, put a skateboard under his back so he gets a concussion and dies because he wasn’t wearing a helmet like the dumb gumby he is. This one is pretty self-explanatory.
5. Push him over a cliff. If you are watching the sunset, you are probably on a cliff overlooking the beautiful vista a cliff provides but you weren’t able to see because his big stupid fucking body is blocking your view. Make sure he gets a really nice look at the gorgeous sunset as he falls to his gorey and violent death. Just because he’s meeting his end doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve to enjoy the peace and majesty that is Mother Nature!
6. Cannibalize him. There is a lot of him. You are hungry, and sunset viewing requires snacks.
7. Catfish him. A man so tall would definitely be on Tinder because, you know, you can list your height as a bonus if nothing else about you is loveable, which it’s not. Lure him away from this beautiful sunset and break his heart, then break his bones for good measure.
8. Initiate the Purge. Get politically active! Call your local congressperson and pitch the idea. You are seen as cute and adorable because you are short, so they’ll listen and pass the bill starting the annual Purge immediately. He is not prepared when a local gang in pig masks come by and stab him multiple times, doing the job for you so you can focus on that sunset.
9. Throw him into the Sun. You are very small, but you have a lot of pent up rage in your tiny short person body. Grab him by his accursed long legs, plant your feet firmly into the ground, and heave with all your might until his large bitch body flies into the sun.
10. Compound his density until he collapses in on himself. He’s already quite statuesque, so you might as well go all the way and feed him protein bars and steroids until his failure of a large fucking body can’t withstand itself. Feel momentarily guilty about the whole body shaming thing (you didn’t like it used against your short self!) but forget about it because that sunset is just so goddamned peaceful.
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